In a way, I feel like I’m being reborn.
Of finally learning what it means to be who I authentically am – who God created me to be all along. And then living from that place.
All my life, I’ve played it safe and held back from expressing deep down what I wanted to say and do even if, to others, it looked like I was taking risks.
It felt safer to show up as I believed others wanted me to show up because then, if they rejected me, it wasn’t really me they were rejecting, but the persona I had adopted for that time and place.
It felt safer to adapt to who I was with, because I didn’t want to rock the boat – the highly sensitive part of me cringes and shrinks at anger, discord and disappointment when it comes from people I care deeply about. So I would rather hold those most authentic parts of me safe and carefully curate when and how and with whom I would share them.
I’ve also held the belief that others always know better than I do over how we are to show up in the world and what others will accept…and what they will reject.
It started on the playground at school – never being with the in-crowd or popular kids. Always watching on the outskirts, wanting to be included, and not understanding why. However, I think they could sense I wasn’t obsessed over Madonna and Wham (elementary school), New Kids on the Block, Liz Claiborne purses (junior high) or even the latest trends, as they were.
Although Jesus grabbing a hold of my heart in my mid-20’s brought some element of freedom in this area to my adult life, I’ve seen how this same scenario has played out over and over again as I’ve tried to grow my business.
The on-line space is like school playground dynamics on steroids, clearly elevating who the “cool kids” are on a global scale.
For someone like me, it can be easy to convince yourself that if you are to have some level of success, then following in the footsteps of others who are experiencing success is essential. It doesn’t help that, logically, it does make sense, on some level, to learn from others who are experiencing the results we want.
Shared knowledge can be a beautiful thing.
However, I’ve fallen into the trap of looking to others first, over the One who called me into the business space in the first place. Looking back, I can see now that while I listened when He told me I was meant to be a coach and obeyed Him in learning how to become one, I never paused long enough to ask Him what He wanted me to do with that.
I’ve spent more years resisting what He’s called me to or telling Him how I thought it should look out of fear that if I actually stopped to listen for His voice and then obey it, that I would still fall flat on my face.
That seems like a worse fate than failing because it was my fault or because I followed what someone else said would lead to success. All along, what has really been at stake is a matter of trust.
Can I really trust God in showing me how to grow a business His way?
He doesn’t exactly have a history of going about things in the conventional way or asking us to play it safe. For someone who has lived her whole life trying to fit in, asking her to stand out and apart from the crowd isn’t something she’s excited to do.
But that question of trust has the fingerprints of the enemy all over it. It was the very tactic he used with Eve in the garden…
Did God really say…?
Do you think God actually has your best interests at heart?!
How can you trust Him?
It’s taken me this long to see that trying to protect God against failing me is both ridiculous and futile with a healthy dose of pride mixed in.
He doesn’t fail. Never has, Never will.
Ironically, in trying to protect my trust in the Lord, it’s eroded my trust in Him anyway (ie what the heck, God? It was Your idea for me to grow a coaching business. So why aren’t You growing it?).
So part of this rebirth is learning how to trust God, not just for my salvation, but for all things and in all ways.
